This is a slow and gentle process, and a skilled therapist who is experienced in working with betrayal and betrayal blindness will know how to help clients navigate these waters. Often, the task in therapy is to grow a person’s internal strength, confidence, and sense of self to the point that they are able to look fully at what is happening in their relationship and survive it emotionally, even when it is incredibly painful. My experience working with clients has shown me that we come out of betrayal blindness when we feel that we are able to handle the information. We are blind because we don’t want what is true to be true, and if we can ignore the signs just a little bit longer, then we get to hold on to the life we wanted and believed in. We are blind because we are trying to protect ourselves. We stay blind because betrayal is so utterly awful and scary, and it threatens the entire life we have built with the person we love the most. Betrayed partners are not staying in denial because of stubbornness, or a commitment to making bad choices, or even because of codependence. However, I think we all need to take a kinder, gentler approach to what is happening. The consequences to you and those you love can become even more dire then they already are. Situations often get worse when you are in betrayal blindness. It puts you and others at emotional, financial, physical and psychological risk when you are blind to what is happening. If you are not fully in your reality, you can’t make decisions to take care of yourself. I’m anadvocate for being as fully aware and planted in your reality as you can be. We aren’t saying to ourselves, “I don’t think I’ll let myself know about that, thank you very much.” Instead, our bodies register that we are in danger, and before the information gets to our conscious minds, we instinctually move to protect ourselves by blocking it out, rationalizing it away, or in some way keeping it from landing where we have to fully deal with it. This is a coping mechanism, and it is largely unconscious.
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Instead, we keep the information out, and we don’t allow one plus one to ever equal two. Whatever the threatening information may be, we can’t let ourselves know about it because it would create such chaos, terror, pain, and confusion that we feel we might not survive it emotionally and psychologically. What this means is that events or realities that threaten our sense of secure connection to our partner can feel like life or death to us. Betrayal blindness is not allowing yourself to see what is going on, to connect the dots, or to fully engage with reality, because if you did, the information would threaten your relationship with the person who is most important to you. Jennifer Freyd, one of the seminal researchers on the issue of betrayal trauma, has coined the term “betrayal blindness.” I believe this is a much better way to think about what is happening when we enter or stay in what we used to call denial. However, I believe that a better way to think about the issue of denial is to look at it through the lens of attachment, and how attachment functions in our relationships.ĭr.
![signs of betrayal trauma signs of betrayal trauma](https://www.calmingcurrent.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/10/Untitled-design-7-1024x683.jpg)
And in reality, denial can be a very dangerous place to be, or to stay long term.
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Maybe you were told you that you were in denial, or that you needed to get out of denial. As someone who has experienced betrayal, I am guessing that somewhere along the way someone used the word “denial” with you.